Music that makes you dumb
Have you ever heard the Vengaboys or Boyzone on the radio and thought what kind of stupid idiot would listen to that? Well earlier this year, the notorious computer hacker, Virgil Griffith, had a flash of genius: he decided to conduct a study entitled ‘Musicthatmakesyoudumb’, in which he asked University students who their favourite artists were, and then compared the answers against their SAT scores – the American equivalent of our A Levels –, the subsequent results present a definitive guide as to which singers and groups have the smartest, and more interestingly, the dumbest fans in the whole entire world!
Well done lovers of Beethoven, Radiohead and Counting Crows, you are the smartest fans on the planet! If you like Beethoven you may be a bit boring, if you like Radiohead you may be suicidal, and if you like Counting Crows then you may like err… counting crows, but hey, what does it matter if you’re socially retarded and got bullied at school, because now, my intellectually blessed friends, you are officially the cleverest music fans in the universe!
But shock horror! They did the same survey to see what genre of music had the smartest devotees and what came first? Well if you like classical music wipe that smug smile off your face, take off your slippers and go outside and make some friends, because the genre of music with the smartest fans is… wait for it… Techno! What the ***k! I don’t believe it! This is an absolute travesty, a humiliation, a slur on my nature. Why I hear you ask? It’s simple, if I like drum n bass then of course it logically follows that drum n bass MUST have the smartest fans. I’m sure it’s been rigged. Virgil Griffith I demand a recount!
So which genre of music has the most brainless followers? This is a strange one. In the early hours of Sunday morning when most sane people are still in bed, millions of people all over the world come together to sing heartily as part of a tradition that has lasted over two thousand years. So which genre commands this kind of worldwide devotion? The answer is gospel. Holy smoke! What does this say about Christians? What does it say about believing in God? Have you got to be stupid to enjoy gospel??? Interestingly Virgil Griffith, did an earlier survey: ‘booksthatmakeyoudumb’ and the book read by most people with a low SAT score was the bible. Now don’t start getting in a huff, I’ll address the reasons for this later.
Now for the part you’ve all been waiting for. Which artist sends words in one ear and knowledge out the other? Whose linguistic spasms leave you scratching your armpits and eating bananas? In short which artist has the dumbest fans in the world? Well, I’m happy to say that my suspicions have been confirmed: Lil’ Wayne fans are officially the stupidest in the world. That’s right if you’re into Lil’ Weezy and you’re still licking lollipops, you belong to that prestigious sub–group of retards and degenerates that can now rightfully claim to be the dumbest in the world. But why is this? What is it about Lil’ Wayne that attracts the not-so intelligent masses? Hmmmm…. I wonder. Could it be his lyrics? I think yes! Read this out loud then go to the bathroom and wash your mouth out - because this is filthy:
Have you ever heard the Vengaboys or Boyzone on the radio and thought what kind of stupid idiot would listen to that? Well earlier this year, the notorious computer hacker, Virgil Griffith, had a flash of genius: he decided to conduct a study entitled ‘Musicthatmakesyoudumb’, in which he asked University students who their favourite artists were, and then compared the answers against their SAT scores – the American equivalent of our A Levels –, the subsequent results present a definitive guide as to which singers and groups have the smartest, and more interestingly, the dumbest fans in the whole entire world!
Well done lovers of Beethoven, Radiohead and Counting Crows, you are the smartest fans on the planet! If you like Beethoven you may be a bit boring, if you like Radiohead you may be suicidal, and if you like Counting Crows then you may like err… counting crows, but hey, what does it matter if you’re socially retarded and got bullied at school, because now, my intellectually blessed friends, you are officially the cleverest music fans in the universe!
But shock horror! They did the same survey to see what genre of music had the smartest devotees and what came first? Well if you like classical music wipe that smug smile off your face, take off your slippers and go outside and make some friends, because the genre of music with the smartest fans is… wait for it… Techno! What the ***k! I don’t believe it! This is an absolute travesty, a humiliation, a slur on my nature. Why I hear you ask? It’s simple, if I like drum n bass then of course it logically follows that drum n bass MUST have the smartest fans. I’m sure it’s been rigged. Virgil Griffith I demand a recount!
So which genre of music has the most brainless followers? This is a strange one. In the early hours of Sunday morning when most sane people are still in bed, millions of people all over the world come together to sing heartily as part of a tradition that has lasted over two thousand years. So which genre commands this kind of worldwide devotion? The answer is gospel. Holy smoke! What does this say about Christians? What does it say about believing in God? Have you got to be stupid to enjoy gospel??? Interestingly Virgil Griffith, did an earlier survey: ‘booksthatmakeyoudumb’ and the book read by most people with a low SAT score was the bible. Now don’t start getting in a huff, I’ll address the reasons for this later.
Now for the part you’ve all been waiting for. Which artist sends words in one ear and knowledge out the other? Whose linguistic spasms leave you scratching your armpits and eating bananas? In short which artist has the dumbest fans in the world? Well, I’m happy to say that my suspicions have been confirmed: Lil’ Wayne fans are officially the stupidest in the world. That’s right if you’re into Lil’ Weezy and you’re still licking lollipops, you belong to that prestigious sub–group of retards and degenerates that can now rightfully claim to be the dumbest in the world. But why is this? What is it about Lil’ Wayne that attracts the not-so intelligent masses? Hmmmm…. I wonder. Could it be his lyrics? I think yes! Read this out loud then go to the bathroom and wash your mouth out - because this is filthy:
“I'm a Young Money Millie in aire, tougher than Nigerian hair,
My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair,
I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed...”
Nigerian hair? Periods? STDs? And this my friends is from one verse of one song! BUT, I hate to say it, I can’t actually believe this is true and I can feel my IQ lowering and my brain cells dying, but as I’m writing this article and finding out a bit more about this crazy imbecile, a strange thing is happening, I’m actually starting to like the guy. Fair enough it helps if I’m drunk, but I can’t help but laugh at lyrics like: ‘shorty wanna hump, you know I like to touch your lovely lady lumps’. Which just leads me to think that sometimes there’s a fine line between genius and stupidity. Think about it. Throughout history there have been many men, intellectual titans, such as Gallileo, Prometheus and Vanilla Ice who have been ridiculed by their contemporaries for their outlandish, visionary ideas, but modern eyes view these men with the admiration they deserve, and rightly honour them for their many contributions to the evolution of the
human race like discovering the world was round and writing Ice Ice Baby. Perhaps Lil’ Wayne is one such man and in a hundred years people will look back on his lyrics and appreciate the genius behind lines like “I told her to back it up like burp burp, and make that ass jump like schzerp schzerp”, but then again … perhaps not.
So why are so many popular artists considered to have the least intelligent fans? I’ve had a good think about this and these are my conclusions.
The most popular music appeals to a wide cross section of the public and therefore you’re more likely to get people with a lower SAT score listening to a commercially successful artist i.e. Lil’ Wayne than a niche artist like Beethoven, who has a very narrow fan base. This would explain why the bible, the most widely read book of all time, came bottom in the list of ‘booksthatmakeyoudumb’.
Also towards the top of the list there are a lot of older artists like U2, the Beatles and Bob Dylan, which would suggest that a lot of people who voted for these artists were mature students who are probably more academically inclined than their younger counterparts.
I think a large factor in the results is the effect of the media. The people represented most in the media seemed to have the least academically successful fans. Perhaps it’s the media’s fault that America is being ‘dumbed down’. For example take an artist like 50 Cent, he became famous purely on the strength of being shot five times, and ‘Fiddy’ is without doubt the singularly most over – hyped artist ever, and where do his fans come in the list? Third from bottom. Maybe if the media concentrated on publicising artists for their musical talent rather than their talent at dodging bullets, then this survey would present hip hop music and their fans in a better light.
It is also important to take into account the Boffin Effect. I think Beethoven is at the top for two reasons. Number 1. People like to lie about such things to make them sound more intelligent, for instance to get girls into bed I tell them that I read Chaucer and listen to Radio 4 (it doesn’t work), and reason number 2. There’s a significant correlation between being a boffin and liking Beethoven, and also if you’re a boffin you have no social life, do more school work and do better in your exams, ergo they have better SAT scores and artificially push Beethoven to the top.
But the most important thing to consider when analysing these results BY FAR is that the SAT is not a perfect test of intelligence. There are plenty of intelligent people who perform poorly in exams. This could be for a number of reasons: they may have had a bad time at school, had family problems, or just had too hectic a social life. There are plenty of intelligent and successful people like Einstein (hates Beethoven) and Richard Branson (loves Lil’ Wayne) who have shocking academic records but have still managed to be wildly successful in their work.
My advice is not to take the results of the survey too seriously, otherwise you’ll end up worrying about what this says about class, race, religion and a whole other bunch of issues that I am far too frightened to even think about. It doesn’t matter what music says about you or your intelligence, the only thing that matters is that you enjoy it. So forget about everything you’ve just read and be content in your stupidity, after all ignorance is bliss.
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