The 10 greatest ever moments in drum and bass
There are certain times in the world, when things conspire and work together for the greater good, when somehow, for some unknown reason, things just fall into place. It is at times like these that great, magical and wonderful things happen, and it falls upon special men to catalogue these moments of world changing significance: like God and the bible, Mohammed and The Koran or Tommy Lee and those sex tapes. Well now is one such time, and I, Brian Chimombo, am one such man. The time has come for the most important list ever written in the whole history of music. That’s right guys, today I present to you (in no particular order) the 10 greatest ever moments in drum and bass.
Andy C buys a pair of decksWhen I was 13 I was still obsessed with playing marbles and wondering where babies came from. Luckily Andy C had a life. After his sister took him to his first rave (big up Andy’s sister!!!), Andy fell head over heels in love with drum and bass, and promptly went to the shops and bought a pair of decks. Who would have known that a squeaky-voiced kid, who probably paid for his decks with coppers from his piggy bank, would within a couple of years make one of the definitive drum and bass tunes, and then start up the biggest label in the world. It’s boring to say and everyone knows it, but Andy has been the best DJ for the last 10 years, and the pivotal moment when he bought his first pair of decks, must undoubtedly go down in the annals of history as one of the best things to ever happen to drum and bass.
Bad Company get togetherBad Company aren’t a crappy rock band or the reason why you’ve just been hit with an ASBO. No, my drum and bass loving friends, Bad Company are one of the greatest groups ever to put beats to vinyl. Consisting of D-Bridge, Maldini, Vegas and Fresh (in my mind the greatest producer ever), Bad Company brought out some of the greatest, most genre defining dnb of all time. Starting with the anthemic ‘the Nine’ (voted by you the Drum and Bass Arena faithful as the best song ever), Bad Company went on to produce other classics including ‘hornet’, ‘snowcats’, and ‘Torpedo’. Bad company we miss you!
Roni Size wins the Mercury Music AwardNow personally I couldn’t give two shits if the rest of the world listens to drum and bass or not. Only a select few, special people, can truly appreciate the wonder of 180 beats per minute, however, it is a special thing when someone from the dnb fraternity gets rewarded for their remarkable and outstanding talent. Roni Size more than anyone else in the drum and bass world has managed to achieve this. In the days before they cheapened the Mercury Music Award by giving it to token urban artists such as Dizzy Rascal and Ms dynamite, Roni size and Reprazent won the award purely based on their talent, which was manifested in their innovative and funky take on conventional drum and bass. Well done Roni you truly are a legend!
The Risky has a bright ideaIn 1996 the world was a different place: there was no myspace, computers were for geeks, and people still bought porno mags, in short, people hadn’t realised the amazing potential of the internet. That was until the man they call Risky had a brain wave and decided to start a lovely little website where people who like drum and bass could get together, have a little chat, and listen to some music. Drum and Bass Arena was born and the drum and bass world suddenly became a smaller place. And look how far we’ve come, now we can hear all the latest tunes, read amazing top 10s and chat shit on the forum about meaningful things like: ‘are there more people in the world than chairs or more chairs in the world than people?’
The Foreign InvasionThe aliens have landed! From DJ Marky and Patife with their latin beats, to Dutch maestros Noisia, our friends from overseas have proved to be one of the best things that has ever happened to drum and bass. What makes dnb special is the fact that it encompasses so many different styles and genres of music, and the more people from more and more countries that can bring something different to the table, will only help drum and bass continue to be the ever changing, revolutionary sound that it is. Fuck the BNP, let them all in I say.
Kool FMThose Kool FM pirates are a lovely bunch, they’ve been risking the wrath of the police since 1991 just so we can hear drum and bass in the comfort of our own homes. For that you’ve gotta love ‘em, but I love them even more for those classic moments when the tune suddenly grinds to halt, sirens start blaring in the background and all you can hear is heavy footsteps and panting as the DJ legs it out the back door.
PendulumOpinions on Pendulum seem to swing back and forth like a …well, like a pendulum. Love them or hate them, the fact is no one can deny that when they came out with their first track ‘the vault’, it DID change drum and bass. Not so much in that all the other producers went out and copied them, but more in the fact that they gave the scene a much needed breath of fresh air. Drum and bass needs innovators and our Antipodean friends are just that.
The move from hardware to softwareBecoming a superstar producer used to be nothing but a dream for most people, the obstacles to overcome in order to make a tune used to be huge: it took dedication, space and most of all money. How things have changed, now all you need is a computer and a couple of decent speakers and you can be making beats like the best of them. It’s opened doors for a lot of young producers and this is reflected in the ever evolving sound of the music we all know and love.
Fabric opensDrum and bass is my religion,Andy C the messiah,Fabric my church.As a wide-eyed 17 year old I had my first taste of fabric, a lot of it involved queuing to get in and getting lost when I was in there, but with hindsight it just added to all the fun. The sound, system, the crowd and the line-ups all combine to make what is quite simply the best club in the country. And they’ve got beds!!!
Jungle becomes drum and bassThere was a horrible, sad, period when drum and bass was whack! The tunes suddenly became a bit crappy and the clubs were full of men and violence. That’s not what drum and bass is about! The reincarnation of jungle as drum and bass wasn’t solely responsible for the removal of the nastier elements of the scene, but was emblematic of the concerted efforts made by those who really cared about dnb, to return it to it’s more hedonistic and fun-loving roots. Well done guys, we love ya for it!
So there you go that’s the 10 greatest moments in drum and bass, according to me anyway, I’m sure loads of you are going to disagree with me but that’s the whole point of the piece, to provoke a reaction and spark debate. I want YOUR OPINIONS so that in about 2 months after speaking to some DJs and producers we will publish the DEFINITIVE top 10 moments in drum and bass.
But hang on a second! What about the future? Where’s drum and bass gonna go from here? Well let me look into my crystal ball.
The Risky has a bright ideaThe Risky has one of his bright ideas and decides to mix the DNA of his pet Chimpanzee with that of drum and bass Granddady Andy C, making the first ever domesticated DJing monkey, ingeniously called: Chimapandyc, soon the rest of the world clicks on and monkeys are soon found in every household’s living room endlessly double-dropping mind-blowing beats. The result, the Risky saves chimpanzees from extinction.
Girls outnumber guys in clubsAll those smelly boys have a wash, stop moshing and miraculously girls start coming to raves.
DnB raves ‘till 1pmSick of thousands of gurning ravers leaving clubs at 6 in the morning and asking the same question: ‘What shall we do now?’ Someone finally decides to hold raves until 1pm.
The End plays drum and bassThe End returns to its roots and plays drum and bass. There are tears of joy throughout the drum and bass world.
Brian runs out of ideasI’ve completely run out of ideas now, but that’s where you come in. Carry on the conversation and let me know what you think of the piece and any ideas for future top 10s
Brian Chimombo

music that makes you dumb

Music that makes you dumb

Have you ever heard the Vengaboys or Boyzone on the radio and thought what kind of stupid idiot would listen to that? Well earlier this year, the notorious computer hacker, Virgil Griffith, had a flash of genius: he decided to conduct a study entitled ‘Musicthatmakesyoudumb’, in which he asked University students who their favourite artists were, and then compared the answers against their SAT scores – the American equivalent of our A Levels –, the subsequent results present a definitive guide as to which singers and groups have the smartest, and more interestingly, the dumbest fans in the whole entire world!

Well done lovers of Beethoven, Radiohead and Counting Crows, you are the smartest fans on the planet! If you like Beethoven you may be a bit boring, if you like Radiohead you may be suicidal, and if you like Counting Crows then you may like err… counting crows, but hey, what does it matter if you’re socially retarded and got bullied at school, because now, my intellectually blessed friends, you are officially the cleverest music fans in the universe!

But shock horror! They did the same survey to see what genre of music had the smartest devotees and what came first? Well if you like classical music wipe that smug smile off your face, take off your slippers and go outside and make some friends, because the genre of music with the smartest fans is… wait for it… Techno! What the ***k! I don’t believe it! This is an absolute travesty, a humiliation, a slur on my nature. Why I hear you ask? It’s simple, if I like drum n bass then of course it logically follows that drum n bass MUST have the smartest fans. I’m sure it’s been rigged. Virgil Griffith I demand a recount!

So which genre of music has the most brainless followers? This is a strange one. In the early hours of Sunday morning when most sane people are still in bed, millions of people all over the world come together to sing heartily as part of a tradition that has lasted over two thousand years. So which genre commands this kind of worldwide devotion? The answer is gospel. Holy smoke! What does this say about Christians? What does it say about believing in God? Have you got to be stupid to enjoy gospel??? Interestingly Virgil Griffith, did an earlier survey: ‘booksthatmakeyoudumb’ and the book read by most people with a low SAT score was the bible. Now don’t start getting in a huff, I’ll address the reasons for this later.

Now for the part you’ve all been waiting for. Which artist sends words in one ear and knowledge out the other? Whose linguistic spasms leave you scratching your armpits and eating bananas? In short which artist has the dumbest fans in the world? Well, I’m happy to say that my suspicions have been confirmed: Lil’ Wayne fans are officially the stupidest in the world. That’s right if you’re into Lil’ Weezy and you’re still licking lollipops, you belong to that prestigious sub–group of retards and degenerates that can now rightfully claim to be the dumbest in the world. But why is this? What is it about Lil’ Wayne that attracts the not-so intelligent masses? Hmmmm…. I wonder. Could it be his lyrics? I think yes! Read this out loud then go to the bathroom and wash your mouth out - because this is filthy:

“I'm a Young Money Millie in aire, tougher than Nigerian hair,
My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair,
I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed...”

Nigerian hair? Periods? STDs? And this my friends is from one verse of one song! BUT, I hate to say it, I can’t actually believe this is true and I can feel my IQ lowering and my brain cells dying, but as I’m writing this article and finding out a bit more about this crazy imbecile, a strange thing is happening, I’m actually starting to like the guy. Fair enough it helps if I’m drunk, but I can’t help but laugh at lyrics like: ‘shorty wanna hump, you know I like to touch your lovely lady lumps’. Which just leads me to think that sometimes there’s a fine line between genius and stupidity. Think about it. Throughout history there have been many men, intellectual titans, such as Gallileo, Prometheus and Vanilla Ice who have been ridiculed by their contemporaries for their outlandish, visionary ideas, but modern eyes view these men with the admiration they deserve, and rightly honour them for their many contributions to the evolution of the
human race like discovering the world was round and writing Ice Ice Baby. Perhaps Lil’ Wayne is one such man and in a hundred years people will look back on his lyrics and appreciate the genius behind lines like “I told her to back it up like burp burp, and make that ass jump like schzerp schzerp”, but then again … perhaps not.

So why are so many popular artists considered to have the least intelligent fans? I’ve had a good think about this and these are my conclusions.

The most popular music appeals to a wide cross section of the public and therefore you’re more likely to get people with a lower SAT score listening to a commercially successful artist i.e. Lil’ Wayne than a niche artist like Beethoven, who has a very narrow fan base. This would explain why the bible, the most widely read book of all time, came bottom in the list of ‘booksthatmakeyoudumb’.

Also towards the top of the list there are a lot of older artists like U2, the Beatles and Bob Dylan, which would suggest that a lot of people who voted for these artists were mature students who are probably more academically inclined than their younger counterparts.

I think a large factor in the results is the effect of the media. The people represented most in the media seemed to have the least academically successful fans. Perhaps it’s the media’s fault that America is being ‘dumbed down’. For example take an artist like 50 Cent, he became famous purely on the strength of being shot five times, and ‘Fiddy’ is without doubt the singularly most over – hyped artist ever, and where do his fans come in the list? Third from bottom. Maybe if the media concentrated on publicising artists for their musical talent rather than their talent at dodging bullets, then this survey would present hip hop music and their fans in a better light.

It is also important to take into account the Boffin Effect. I think Beethoven is at the top for two reasons. Number 1. People like to lie about such things to make them sound more intelligent, for instance to get girls into bed I tell them that I read Chaucer and listen to Radio 4 (it doesn’t work), and reason number 2. There’s a significant correlation between being a boffin and liking Beethoven, and also if you’re a boffin you have no social life, do more school work and do better in your exams, ergo they have better SAT scores and artificially push Beethoven to the top.

But the most important thing to consider when analysing these results BY FAR is that the SAT is not a perfect test of intelligence. There are plenty of intelligent people who perform poorly in exams. This could be for a number of reasons: they may have had a bad time at school, had family problems, or just had too hectic a social life. There are plenty of intelligent and successful people like Einstein (hates Beethoven) and Richard Branson (loves Lil’ Wayne) who have shocking academic records but have still managed to be wildly successful in their work.

My advice is not to take the results of the survey too seriously, otherwise you’ll end up worrying about what this says about class, race, religion and a whole other bunch of issues that I am far too frightened to even think about. It doesn’t matter what music says about you or your intelligence, the only thing that matters is that you enjoy it. So forget about everything you’ve just read and be content in your stupidity, after all ignorance is bliss.